You know what they say..

''TOO OFTEN, WE DON'T REALISE WHAT WE HAVE UNTIL IT'S GONE''

Everyone wants the past back, don't they? The beautiful memories stuck in the moment, the laughs, the giggles, the singing, the screaming, the hugs, the fights, holding hands, crying yourself to sleep, doing the wrong things knowing you will regret it, the movies, the embarrassing situations, bitchy cat-fights, being the Queen-bee, sleeping for hours, having crazy parties with games like passing-the-parcel, wanting to grow up. And now that we are grown up, we miss the past. So very much, that we find our self in search of it, if only for a split second.  

By my Bed

Igniting the lamp by my bed,
I sway beside and ahead.
Marching up and down the steps,
His journey doesn't seem to end.
The tap water gushes and goes away,
So hot in this season of may.
This wait is another ship of thoughts,
It's not freedom but him I sought.
The lamp drains out and light I see,
Not his arrival but dawn it be.
I hear some sound, sky deep;
Not his voice but birds, yet no sleep.
Day ends well but still no sign,
I start to wonder if he is fine.
He'd told me- be and stay ignite;
For him I'll sit by my lamp alight.

Seeing that face again..

..I was lying on my couch, it had been hours since the sun had set, everyone in the house was asleep. Yet, it just did not feel like day-end. This was happening too often lately. A rather exhausting day, coming home from work, fighting the urge to slam the door shut and return to my own world. Instead, sitting there, amidst the curious faces, and having to answer those aimless questions.
''How was your day?'', mother would ask. I wish I could escape the lingering boredom that made its way through every word that came out of her mouth. I'd think, Even you know the answer will never be different, mom. I'd just nod and pretend I had no problem with everything in my life. Pretend that it was perfect. Because maybe, someday, I hoped it would.

This was another monotonous night. Another night of pointless sitting on the couch and sketching away to let the darkest of dreams evade my sleep and pour themselves on a rough sheet of paper. But it had been different recently. Altered, varied, distinct!
Countless nights, that I had spent sketching that same face. Slightly curved near the chin, a bold face, with a goatee that resembled someone I knew, someone I had known in the past, but where was he now? I shuddered at the thought of this face. Although I had sketched it out several times there was something about imagining it which creeped me. Instinctively, to escape the pain, I would always end up plotting it down on paper.

A sudden shimmer entered my eye, immediately I shut them. The night had already passed in my own company.
Life was too far-fetched. Everyone got out of high school, met a great guy, who earned well. Fell in love. Love. A certain ache that word caused. I avoided it, trying not to break my flow of thoughts.
They got married, had a kid, and continued a blissful life. But for me, it was different..

''Up so early?'', mom's voice drifted out of the kitchen, looking at me with half her eyes closed. I stared. Yes, that's what I did. As a matter of fact, that's all I did. Since always. It didn't bother her anymore like it did when I was younger. By now she was used to watching that pain flicker in my eyes, unaware of what it was, or because of whom it was caused.
Or maybe she knew. Didn't they say, moms always knew? Whatever. How would that help, anyway?
I gave no answer. Just looked away. She knew. It was another night. Another night when, just like every other frequent night, insomnia had taken over me, left me unaided, on that rugged couch. She walked away. She walked away. Just like everyone in my life had done so far

I wish I could laze around. But no, I got up and within the next 35 minutes, I was bathed, dressed up neatly for another usual day.

***

I walked into the office. Everyone was smiling. I wondered how. Holy shit. Smile. Yes, a smile, I had to manage that everyday. Otherwise I knew what results it would inflict on my course of social life, not that I had one.

The hallway was unusually crowded today, not very normal for a slow Thursday, I'd say. Trying to make my way through the huge human population, which seemed to have been clubbed on the same floor today, I turned around to check the time on the humongous office clock. BUT. I saw something else, something more beautiful, more elegant, more sober. Something even my sketches of the previous few nights could not describe that well. Standing in front of the reception, was the same bold face. The perfect curve of his chin, the very same goatee.

Adrenaline rush.

Only he could do that to me. And he was here. Here. Why was he here? Oh, I didn't care. I was loosing balance. Unconsciousness was taking over. I knew what was happening. What ached to even think of, was taking place. Again. This time, even stronger. I had tried to forget the face for too long, but now the milk had been spilt. Damage done. I was falling in love with him, again..

For every thing taken, there is always a replacement

Okay, Someone dying is the most terrible thing that can happen. Really unfortunate. I just read about Baby Falak. It's all over the news. And instantly I had tears in my eyes. A two-year old baby, succumbed to the circle of life at such a young age, already! I just hope she is at bliss right now. We all do. May her fresh soul rest in peace. Isn't it scary when something like this happens? We all know every single being on the face of earth has to bid goodbye one day. But, it's ironic how we respond to it when someone close to us passes away! No one to be blamed here. I think it's just very natural. We are humans and we certainly do possess emotions which are no way under our control. But we can all try. Instead of looking at it like a tragic event, we must understand that NOW A NEW LIFE IS GOING TO BE WELCOMED. A new face is going to appear and explore this world. A new life, a new happiness for someone. Someone will become a mother and someone a father. And this will continue forever..
R.I.P. Falak. You fought rather bravely.

Like Voldemort, everyone leaves a part of themselves within someone else..

A Tribute to the Immortal..



Today was the day. It was the 13th of February. Today, this tiny, little nuclear family of ours was going to welcome a new member into it. Apparently, it was my birthday in another 5 days and he was supposed to be my birthday present! How overwhelmed can a teenager be at the fact of getting a baby bird as a birthday gift? That too a day before 14th February i.e Valentine's day. 14th February had to be his birthday! I always did want a pet and a bird seemed to be the perfect choice. Since a dog was totally out of the league. I have working parents, you know.

So with all our hearts skipping we walked into the shop. Well-lit for nighttime as it was, the melodious chirping of the birds along with the various noises created by the other animals, gushed into my ears, filling me with a sense of uncontrollable hysteria. THIS WAS IT. From today I would have a companion! Someone I could cry my heart out to at the end of the day. Someone I would leak my darkest secrets to without the fear of losing them. Someone I could talk to and about, all day long.

My eyes anxiously searched around the room. It didn't take much time before I spotted those two small birds sitting inside a silver, rusted cage. They looked beautiful. Those orange patches on their lovely yellow feathered cheeks, even the blind could not miss the sight. The crest on top of their heads just added to the beauty. Out of the two, the one at the back caught my attention. I moved a little closer to the cage in order to have a look at him. He looked so quiet, so tranquil, so content with himself. My pulses almost slowed the moment I felt his presence drift towards me from within the cage. I moved away. The shopkeeper noticed my absent-mindedness and opened the cage, he got out the one which had been dancing for so long in order to gain my diverted attention. He kept the lively one on my shoulder and I just couldn't stop grinning! After a lot of discussion we decided we would take the on perching on my shoulder. But SOMETHING pulled me back! I didn't want the silent one to be left alone. Fate could be blamed for it or maybe just a twist of events. Whatever it was, we went back home with the silent one. He just was different and his uniqueness was yet to be discovered. I felt it. Something about him appealed to me in ways that others did not comprehend, not that I expected them to. We reached home. He was so silent, so shy to come out. Maybe it was the agitation to have been brought to a new place and asked to jump around. Nevertheless, we continued to stare at him with admirable eyes, waiting for him to come out of his own mellow world so that we could be friends with him. We name him Dodo, or to be honest, I did. It was just so cute! 'Dodo' was generally used as an insult, but calling him with that name just change the whole definition. Days passed but out confidence in him never lapsed.

It worked. Our patience paid off! There comes a day in life when all of us are ready to risk landing on water. He slowly made his way out of the cage and onto my shoulders. His tiny, reticulated feet tickled me but it was euphoria that overcame everything else.  When his crest ticked the back of my neck I knew he was having fun and so was I! I felt ecstatic. Those days, I can never forget.

Today I have a baby bird sitting in my balcony with no proper nest. It's mother is all it depends on and she makes sure she lives up to it.

Dodo isn't there with us today but we all remember him. Everyone has to go one day and his time came as well. Today, when I look at that baby bird outside I want to protect it. I want to shoo away all the filthy crows that come and try to strangle it. But since I can't do much about my past, I make sure I do the right thing in my present. I will try to protect it with all my heart. This baby bird might not be there in a few weeks time and yes, I shall feel bad. But the fact that it flew away safely and is ready to face the coming adventures is what will keep me smiling! :D

I often find myself questioning, that why do we let these wild imagination skills overpower us when we know that it is far from reality. Sitting under this adorned ocean of stars there is absolutely nothing that we are getting out of it! It is so much like bringing your hopes up so high and then watching them get buried under the sand because you know they are impossible, in it's true sense.
And no, I do not talk of ambitious dreams. Dreams that will cross your path, continue to inspire you and maybe one day lead you to glory. Definitely not those. Because these dreams are actually worth every second you invest in them. They might just be more helpful than the 'wise' talk of those sermonising people, in other words, their hopeless free advice.
I speak of the tiny hopes we keep at the bottom of our hearts. The one that keeps us alive every second wishing that what we want happens.
You know how it is. An old lady sitting on her bed in the last room in an old age home wishing one of her sons might just welcome her back. A schoolboy coming late to the bus stop and still hoping that the bus hasn't gone yet.
Silly, aren't they? But moments like these create memories we cherish, and these memories create a majority part of out lives. Thus, I think I got my answer. We do not keep hoping for these little joys because we desperately want them to come true. And we certainly don't want them to shatter us when we crash and fall. But we only make them such a significant part because we know it will give us an adventure daily, it will spare us from the daily rat-race, it will make us thing wonders and then later laugh about them, it will keep us wishing for better in life and for some it will carry them forward on the road, it would make us realise what nincompoops we are and at the same time we would know what makes us the happiest. But most of all it would keep us all hoping. IT MIGHT BE OF ZILCH MEANING TOMORROW BUT TODAY IT'S WHAT MAKES OUR WORLD!

This is so new for me. Blogging. Anyway, I think why I basically started this is because, frankly, I'm bored of writing everything down and just storing it on paper. It is BORING. You write stuff down, you love it, and then just pile it up. Also, there are possibilities the book might get lost. So I think whatever I write from today I shall put it up here.
Not just for people to read. That is up to them. But for me. For my peace of mind and happiness. MIGHT JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO DAILY!

Because its evident that living on the memory of a song is impossible, looking at the scribbled pages and hoping it would return is pointless, pretending you don't care is hopeless and smiling even though you don't feel like is stupid. Somethings are understood late. But then, better late than never. To all those people who still dwell on the past and want to change it every single minute of their life, you should know, that there's noway that's happening. Ever. The past is the 'past' for a reason.

So listen to new songs and make more memories, scribble on new pages and preserve them, care for those who deserve, and smile from the inside. :)

Being hurt is never in your hands, but feeling miserable certainly is. -Mr.Smartypants