Believe what you know, not what you're told.

“As long as you have life and breath, believe. Believe for those who cannot. Believe even if you have stopped believing. Believe for the sake of the dead, for love, to keep your heart beating, believe. Never give up, never despair, let no mystery confound you into the conclusion that mystery cannot be yours.” ― Mark Helprin, A Soldier of the Great War.

BELIEF. A magical thing one possesses.
Millions of us walking on the street, with a billion different thoughts jittering up in our heads, a thousand different hearts pounding, yet we all believe. Consciously or sub-consciously, we all are habitual of keeping faith in something. How else would superstitions exist? Happy endings, light at the end of the tunnel, hard work paying off, natural healing, time healing up all wounds, or God himself. The list has a countless number of things! Yet there's one thing we all, in particular, have been taught to never eradicate from our mind, heart and soul. The one thing that has given rise to the Satan, parallely. GOD. So, a very common question: Does he exist? If yes, then why do we always only refer to him as 'he' or the 'almighty'? These are questions that buzz around one's head so very often that eventually we learn to ignore it, talking ourselves into believing that there exist no answers. We blind ourselves to the one very important question which can help us walk on the path of becoming a better person from the current path we're on, where all we do is sniff like a dog and move towards it, simply adhering to what we have been obliged to do. So I wanted answers, not to pen them down or anything but to clear that part of my head which was occupied by this dubiousness. I wouldn't say I went to an isolated room, dressed up like a comical scientist and sat there for days mulling over my thoughts, trying to dig up answers for my peace of mind. It was there, of course, but at the back of my mind, trailing around, WAITING.
Well, I don't know how it happened. Ask anybody who EVER discovered anything, he'll never be able to inform you about exactly how and when it struck him. Similarly, IT JUST HAPPENED. Everyone could have different explanations, but as long as they help them suffice all those explanations are right! Because of the sudden strike of lightening that hit my head I think a lot of my doubts and confusion about believing in God and not believing have pretty much been settled up there. So here's the thing.
I really don't think God exists. Don't get judgmental here, I'm clearly not an atheist. I just think God is something we cling to. 
In the words of John Buchan, "An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support." God is like an invisible support to man. All those idols of Krishna and Ram, well they are still scientifically trying to prove their existence, right? They could have been real, God could have been a person but to me he is not. Although, (I know this will sound really contradicting) when I think of God I always picture Lord Krishna yet I think God is more of a feeling. You know, like something to push you back up when you trip and fall. Something to give us answers for when we're out of them. Humans are flawed, not perfect. We won't always have the answers now, will we? Hence, in situations like these when we don't know what to expect we turn to him.

Because being clueless feels a tiny bit better when you know that someone up there knows what you don't.

Fear is Overwhelming

''I don't like this feeling.

It feels like I'm sinking into the earth.

I'm pushing my feet so hard against the ground, exhausting myself to bits but in vain because the more I try, the more I grow distant from the sky and merge into the darkness.

All these papers and books are just lying there, sucking my soul, penetrating through my eyes into the tiny corners of my brain, making every part go insane with frustration. 

Those numbers, they won't dance around, but just sit there, making whatsoever no sense to me. Probably avenging me for some deed. KARMA.

 And tears, of course. How can they not be present at such an occasion.''

Nothing child-like

I am writing after such a long time. Blame tenth grade and its hectic schedule for that.

So, an incident narrated by my friend to me inspired this post. And when I thought about it, it actually brought a lot of things to my mind. Everyone knows what puppy love is, or infatuation. One and the same. So well, it's kind of an inappropriate thing for people to start dating from a very young age, that's what they say, right? Since it sometimes affects your studies and gives you a lot of emotional issues to cope up with. When I was mentally comparing a marriage and dating at a young age, I came up with a very important point. Okay, they say that dating at a young age is a very naive and child-like thing to do, in fact we get into such complications because we are not enough mature to realise what is good for us and what is not. But think of it this way, in India, a country said to have unity in diversity faces so many religion-based conflicts. Directly or indirectly it affects our lives, of course. Marriages are done following caste system. People keep a track of matrimonials regularly hoping to find someone with a suitable religious background. ''I am hindu, and if you are muslim, then there is noway we can have a future together, even if I would genuinely like to.'', that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. But that is so unfair. What if you are more compatible with someone who is not of your religion. Not necessarily 'love' but simply who you are more comfortable with. Now getting back to dating, when you are friends, you are friends because you adore the person and have fun with them. You date them because they are simply nice to hang out with. You don't disown anyone because he is a muslim or any other religion. You don't think of your parents' approval while dating someone, right? Maybe that's because it's not that serious. But nevertheless, I fail to see the point behind calling a puppy love as a symbol of child-like behavior and immaturity. I mean, if you distinguish people on the basis of their caste and religion it is you who is behaving child-like. I'm not taking sides, but yes, commenting on someone's religion is presumptuous behavior.

However, it's our Indian thinking and someday we will get over it, but till then passing snarky comments like 'why a muslim?' is not going to do any good. 

A DOSE of books? No.

When you enter a library or a bookstore, there's always a huge section of ''Self-help Books''. With the number of books piled up it's plain evident how many people are into reading self-help books. Once a person gets over the fiction phase they do turn to explore the self-help area, too. When I was young, not very young but let's just say about 2-3 years ago, I thought self help books were medication. I thought that one could just pick up a book about being happy, read it, memorise the steps and then be happy for the rest of his life. Okay, now I feel silly thinking about it. But that's alright, I guess. They just sound like that. I mean, you know how they show in movies that when you go to a psychologist who is expensive he gives you a book as the first step! So that just planted various ideas in my mind and I joined the dots. But then think about it. Reading a book can't solve your problems just like praying to God a day before your result won't solve your problems either! So, continuing the example of my pea-brain-on-work, driven by the craze of watching my dad read such books, once in a bookstore, I picked up 'Eat Pray Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's not exactly a self help book but it follows the same footsteps, somewhat. So I read the back cover, and Oh. My. God. I was awe-inspired. I mean, it seemed wonderful. A woman discovering herself and all. So fascinating! I bought the book, obviously. I was ecstatic. So I opened the book, and the most hilarious thing happened, I closed it and it went back on my bookshelf in the next 5 days. The reason being, I GOT BORED. And never again did I touch that book. Never. I felt doomed in the field of literature. I felt like I was incapable of understanding the deep essence of life and the way out of the maze which was printed in the book. I felt like if I ever landed in a real problem ahead in life I would never be able to sort it out and eventually lose all hope. Why, because I could not decipher a self-help book.
A week ago, though I went back to that book. I wouldn't say why because it's not relevant here. I just opened it and read the first chapter with a light thought of wanting to READ the book, not to sort out any problem but to simply read whatever was present. And  I did, and this time, it's not boring. In fact, I am finally getting my concept cleared about what self-help books really are. They are not a bunch of solutions to math problems that help you unravel the spiral of your confusion and deranged life. They are just books that explain. They simply make you understand. The book that I wrote today, how the hell can it really solve your problem? I am not from 'Phil of the Future', am I? So when you read these books you basically just read the basic. It's like learning 2+2=4 all over again, except that this time you will learn it as (1+1)+(1+1)=4. That simple. When I read 'Eat Pray Love', it's not like all my worries got sorted and suddenly I was aware of the map of my life lying right across the table ready to be unmasked. While reading the book, I learnt the basics of everything. Because all of us, if we can breathe the same air, drink the same water, function with the help of same body parts, then we can also learn the same lessons, right? Doesn't mean that what I read today in that book has to help me today. It might help me later or maybe never. But it will always add a drop in the ocean.

What we all seek!

What's happiness?
Happiness lies in the eyes of the beholder. Happiness isn't something that we face all the time. It is not a hard-rock-never-changing emotion. It is something that is present in all the little things.
What is happiness for me?
It's when I get those 500 bucks in the starting of every month. It's when my brother and I laugh our ass out. It's when my dad gets me clothes of his choice. It's when my mom talks to me about her day. It's when someone tells me they love me and I know they mean it. It's when I realise the truth behind someone's lie. It's when I get wet in the first monsoon rain. It's when someone who drifted apart smiles at me. It's when I eat chocolate after a looooong time. It's when my dad talks of me with pride. It's when I lie down next to my parents. It's when I get something I have been longing too. It's when I finish a heart-melting book. It's when someone hugs me tight just when I need it. It's when someone assures me that they won't leave me no matter how alone I think I am. It's when my bestfriend tells me she loves how I am. It's when someone comes and says they missed me. It's when someone says sorrry to make me feel better. It's when I get new clothes. It's when I watch a romantic movie. It's when I finish a jaw-dropping Tom Cruise movie. It's when I day-dream and escape to a whole new fantasy. It's when someone compliments me that I am tall. :P It's when I scream with joy. It's when I watch someone make an effort for me. It's when I have coffee in pouring rain.  It's when my brother promises to keep my secret. It's when my dad makes me laugh. It's when I watch two dogs play. It's when I watch two bestfriends unite because of me. It's when someone just looks at my face and asks me what happened. It's when someone yells at me for my mistake. It's when I look at a people and memories come back fluttering. It's when I re-read my old diaries. It's when I look at my mom and remember how she loves me without any demands or expectations. She loves me just for me. It's when I put on my favorite jacket. It's when I run and scream to someone. It's when I am uber excited for someone else's achievement. It's when I look at myself in the mirror and feel strong. It's when I do good for someone who has been terrible to me in the past. It's when I am laughing. It's when I feel the butterflies every single time and don't get bored. It's when I blush. It's when I get a Math sum! It's when I write something nostalgic. It's when I listen to 'Dance Again' by JLo and start to smile. It's when I figure something out after a lot of confusion..
And this list is so never going to end. Happines is just something that we find in small packages. It's every flower that counts not necessarily the whole bouquet.

''I think I'll like that.'' ''What if you don't?''

Sometimes when a change occurs around you, you won't really be the first one to discover it. Unless you really sit to scrutinise the tinniest of details, there won't be any noticing. Change. They say it's the only permanent thing in life. It's that one thing you can be sure of. It's the one thing that cannot be predicted.
But it is capable of causing the greatest of devastation and sometimes it creates magic. Whichever you get, it's your luck. Sometimes you desperately are in a need of a change. It's the only thing you want and you don't know how you're going to achieve it. It seems like eternity waiting for what you want to happen. And the one day, lightening strikes, there's thunder, gravity reverses, the sun rises from the west and YES, that's when you know things are changing. You look at yourself in the mirror and smile but you can't. You try again, and another failure. This continues until you realise the reason. It IS the change you wanted, but it just is NOT what you want anymore. You shuffle through old papers and juggle through your pea-brain, reconfirming that it's what you wanted. Affirmation. Yet, what is the problem? And then the it hits you, just like someone punched you in the face to help you look better. Clearer. You look around and realise that you really did always want it but you never thought it would be this way. A-Z it's exactly what you wanted but you don't like it one bit. Because, all that time while you thought you were living each day in hell-on-earth you had grown yourself to adjust to it. Human nature. You never realised how much fun you had in what you allegedly claimed to be 'hell'. Because now you realise that life is not a box of sweet smelling flowers. It is only an empty box and it's your job to fill it up. But you still can't smile. Because now it feels even worse to know that you got exactly what you wanted but you don't want it anymore. In fact, you never wanted it. You just thought that you did. Sometimes, the hardest part is accepting the change. And now you know that.

It won't matter tomorrow.. so what?

It's so predictable that all of us sit here and think of our own world. To be even more precise, about our lives. Our problems, our happiness and blah blah blah! Obviously, we are all the center of our own universe. Admit it or not, at some point, we all feel like the world revolves around us and if it doesn't we try to do the otherwise.

We're all always there for others, of course. But we somehow always manage to put ourselves first.

It's common human behavior to be always focusing on problems. Issues. We have that certain magnetism force that attracts us to trouble. If trouble was available on home delivery, its number would be on our speed dial! Seriously. We don't master at narcissism but we just tend to think about ourselves, FIRST.

Problems never end, naturally. If there isn't a problem then there's always drama, which is equivalent to a problem. And we are way too habitual of mulling over problems that it tends to come to us naturally.

But while thinking of all my problems today it sometimes makes me questions my own sanity. I might just sound like a 60-year-old but seriously, when I grow up, is all this even going to matter? It's like one of those questions that parents keep repeating, ''All this is going to make no difference later on in life, sweety.''. And we all know it's true. It's like having ice cold water being thrown at your face, knowing that's the warmest you will ever find.
Well, you get the cusp, right?

It's like sitting here today, we can't help but contemplate about our tiny little problems that seem like nuclear bombs today, alongside knowing that they are just going to seem like mole hills tomorrow. It can be pretty frustrating, you know. Sometimes I wish we didn't have these problems today. That way, we could pay attention to the real problems that hit us tomorrow. But that is so unrealistic..

I'm still a kid and I won't say I've experienced life to its depths but I can say something from what I have learnt, right?

Yeah, so well, I feel, that the reason we hear them say that these problems are silly are because they have been through worse! I mean, look today, if I see a 5 year old crying over his lost chocolate I'll laugh it off but once upon a time that was my biggest trauma too. So just because tomorrow is going to be worse, is it wise to give up on today? Today's problems are big and so will be tomorrow's. Comparison has no place to fit in.

Because you know what they say, IF THERE ARE NO UPS AND DOWNS, IT'S NOT REALLY LIFE.!

Brutal Love

Her palms were sweaty from pulling the rope too tight that cut right at his Adam's apple. He must be in pain. NO! She was not to spare this ruthless sun of a gun this time. This seemed so surreal, yet it was happening.
Her heels dug into the mud as she tried to make her petite body rise to standards, putting in all her strength and imagining all the pressure her cuticles must be being subjected to. The air was damp and that probably explained her wet back under her new strapless, red jumpsuit, one she planned on pushing at the back of the closet to never let the memory torment her.
She wished she had worn gloves. Nobody enjoys washing blood of their hands, do they? He was struggling for breath and trying to speak at the same time, bringing some heads up for mockery if there was anyone around.

''Please don't.'', he managed to utter, and she tautened the rope more fiercely, partially fuming.
Even in such a dim light he looked elegant while trying to fumble out those words that tasted like an odd form a familiar cold fire. She had experienced them enough and more times by now. Getting rid of them was her utmost desire that would send her to hell with satisfaction.
It seemed ludicrous to her how even now he was trying to get his way out, how even now he reeked beauty, how even now he could make her heart skip a beat in his moments of barfing out blood. Making her loose her balance a tiny bit, he breathed, ''I'll miss you.'', making her instinctively pull the rope harder one last time before he took his last breath.
There she was now, an official CBI suspect from hereon, and there he was, the victim, who even in his last moments wanted to bid farewell by spraying his charisma in the most alluring manner because he knew  how words always took over a sword when it came to her. Even if the root cause of the damage had now disappeared, the damage was irreversible. She closed her kajal smothered eyes and let out a sigh.

Life is full of Question marks

Why is it always a miracle, a star?

Some make sense, while some don't.
But they are still there.

Upon which we wish when things are far.

Why are always the dark clouds blamed?

For rain, which can never be tamed.

Why is it always our self that faults?

When we are yet to taste the varietal salts.

Why do we always wait for someone to utter?

For the right moment, to flush and flutter.

Why is there a dream so flawless, pure pretense?

When even the most bonny rainbows have an end.

Why there exists a bragger on street?

When he is aware of every erroneous greet.

Why do we curse misfortune so much?

When we have learnt a lesson always as such!

Why do we question the living entity?

But secretly hope a fairytale, that's no sanity.

Why do we blame all because of one?

When the moon is overshadowed by the sun.

Why do we love, then fall, then hate?

Then sit back and continue to contemplate.

It's always either Everybody or Nobody

We all have been fortunate enough to be gifted with ears. Yes, ears. Sounds silly, right? We all have ears, what's the big deal in that? Of course there's a big deal! What we know today is because of what we hear, what we are today is because of what someone told us, what we speak today is maybe because we heard someone utter the same. Then how are ears not responsible for anything? Failure or success. They stick their big fat nose in everything. People today are such sermonising idiots! They piss me off. Everyone has something irrelevant to say. And I do, too. Then how do we generally decide who to listen to? Everyone rambles. Just wait till you're under a pile of bullshit and watch how everyone has some piece of advice to offer. And I, personally, don't think that's in the best interest of the one in crisis. They just talk. They tell you what they would do if they were in the same situation. They tell you what they did when they had been through the same. All in all, they tell you what is the best way to tackle the situation for themselves and expect you to do the same. With all due respect sir, we are not the same people and I am sure your way is perfect but I don't think I can go about it like that. 

But then there's a conflict! You always need help. Always need a few words of wisdom to make better decisions. Then what's the real way? Is it about putting on your headphones and doing what you wish or is it solemnly listening to everyone who comes and barfs out whatever they think is right for you? I think it's about filtering. It's about listening and not always reacting. It's about making your decisions first and then cross-checking it with what your well-wishers have to say say. And it's also about, having the right amount of brains to come back to people's jibber-jabber when your way didn't bear fruit.

Because those who failed either listened to everybody or never listened to anybody.