It won't matter tomorrow.. so what?

It's so predictable that all of us sit here and think of our own world. To be even more precise, about our lives. Our problems, our happiness and blah blah blah! Obviously, we are all the center of our own universe. Admit it or not, at some point, we all feel like the world revolves around us and if it doesn't we try to do the otherwise.

We're all always there for others, of course. But we somehow always manage to put ourselves first.

It's common human behavior to be always focusing on problems. Issues. We have that certain magnetism force that attracts us to trouble. If trouble was available on home delivery, its number would be on our speed dial! Seriously. We don't master at narcissism but we just tend to think about ourselves, FIRST.

Problems never end, naturally. If there isn't a problem then there's always drama, which is equivalent to a problem. And we are way too habitual of mulling over problems that it tends to come to us naturally.

But while thinking of all my problems today it sometimes makes me questions my own sanity. I might just sound like a 60-year-old but seriously, when I grow up, is all this even going to matter? It's like one of those questions that parents keep repeating, ''All this is going to make no difference later on in life, sweety.''. And we all know it's true. It's like having ice cold water being thrown at your face, knowing that's the warmest you will ever find.
Well, you get the cusp, right?

It's like sitting here today, we can't help but contemplate about our tiny little problems that seem like nuclear bombs today, alongside knowing that they are just going to seem like mole hills tomorrow. It can be pretty frustrating, you know. Sometimes I wish we didn't have these problems today. That way, we could pay attention to the real problems that hit us tomorrow. But that is so unrealistic..

I'm still a kid and I won't say I've experienced life to its depths but I can say something from what I have learnt, right?

Yeah, so well, I feel, that the reason we hear them say that these problems are silly are because they have been through worse! I mean, look today, if I see a 5 year old crying over his lost chocolate I'll laugh it off but once upon a time that was my biggest trauma too. So just because tomorrow is going to be worse, is it wise to give up on today? Today's problems are big and so will be tomorrow's. Comparison has no place to fit in.

Because you know what they say, IF THERE ARE NO UPS AND DOWNS, IT'S NOT REALLY LIFE.!

Brutal Love

Her palms were sweaty from pulling the rope too tight that cut right at his Adam's apple. He must be in pain. NO! She was not to spare this ruthless sun of a gun this time. This seemed so surreal, yet it was happening.
Her heels dug into the mud as she tried to make her petite body rise to standards, putting in all her strength and imagining all the pressure her cuticles must be being subjected to. The air was damp and that probably explained her wet back under her new strapless, red jumpsuit, one she planned on pushing at the back of the closet to never let the memory torment her.
She wished she had worn gloves. Nobody enjoys washing blood of their hands, do they? He was struggling for breath and trying to speak at the same time, bringing some heads up for mockery if there was anyone around.

''Please don't.'', he managed to utter, and she tautened the rope more fiercely, partially fuming.
Even in such a dim light he looked elegant while trying to fumble out those words that tasted like an odd form a familiar cold fire. She had experienced them enough and more times by now. Getting rid of them was her utmost desire that would send her to hell with satisfaction.
It seemed ludicrous to her how even now he was trying to get his way out, how even now he reeked beauty, how even now he could make her heart skip a beat in his moments of barfing out blood. Making her loose her balance a tiny bit, he breathed, ''I'll miss you.'', making her instinctively pull the rope harder one last time before he took his last breath.
There she was now, an official CBI suspect from hereon, and there he was, the victim, who even in his last moments wanted to bid farewell by spraying his charisma in the most alluring manner because he knew  how words always took over a sword when it came to her. Even if the root cause of the damage had now disappeared, the damage was irreversible. She closed her kajal smothered eyes and let out a sigh.

Life is full of Question marks

Why is it always a miracle, a star?

Some make sense, while some don't.
But they are still there.

Upon which we wish when things are far.

Why are always the dark clouds blamed?

For rain, which can never be tamed.

Why is it always our self that faults?

When we are yet to taste the varietal salts.

Why do we always wait for someone to utter?

For the right moment, to flush and flutter.

Why is there a dream so flawless, pure pretense?

When even the most bonny rainbows have an end.

Why there exists a bragger on street?

When he is aware of every erroneous greet.

Why do we curse misfortune so much?

When we have learnt a lesson always as such!

Why do we question the living entity?

But secretly hope a fairytale, that's no sanity.

Why do we blame all because of one?

When the moon is overshadowed by the sun.

Why do we love, then fall, then hate?

Then sit back and continue to contemplate.

It's always either Everybody or Nobody

We all have been fortunate enough to be gifted with ears. Yes, ears. Sounds silly, right? We all have ears, what's the big deal in that? Of course there's a big deal! What we know today is because of what we hear, what we are today is because of what someone told us, what we speak today is maybe because we heard someone utter the same. Then how are ears not responsible for anything? Failure or success. They stick their big fat nose in everything. People today are such sermonising idiots! They piss me off. Everyone has something irrelevant to say. And I do, too. Then how do we generally decide who to listen to? Everyone rambles. Just wait till you're under a pile of bullshit and watch how everyone has some piece of advice to offer. And I, personally, don't think that's in the best interest of the one in crisis. They just talk. They tell you what they would do if they were in the same situation. They tell you what they did when they had been through the same. All in all, they tell you what is the best way to tackle the situation for themselves and expect you to do the same. With all due respect sir, we are not the same people and I am sure your way is perfect but I don't think I can go about it like that. 

But then there's a conflict! You always need help. Always need a few words of wisdom to make better decisions. Then what's the real way? Is it about putting on your headphones and doing what you wish or is it solemnly listening to everyone who comes and barfs out whatever they think is right for you? I think it's about filtering. It's about listening and not always reacting. It's about making your decisions first and then cross-checking it with what your well-wishers have to say say. And it's also about, having the right amount of brains to come back to people's jibber-jabber when your way didn't bear fruit.

Because those who failed either listened to everybody or never listened to anybody.

Sunscreen is all I understood!

"Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young"

                                            -Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Selfless or the Selfish?

Suppose the last person on God's green earth was alive? Suppose that person wasn't you?
Would you still read the first sentence with a genuine positive feeling?
I don't think so.

There's always been a heavy battle between the selfless and the selfish inside my mind. I am myself a little towards the selfish side and I'm guessing most of us are. But from what I've seen there are loads of them out there who are selfless too. Some are smart enough but some are selfless to the extent that hurting someone isn't on their list at all.

But what truly is better, I always wondered. These two words are such similar stories yet so different. Both start from the same letter but when you reach the end of it you know how different they are.

Selfish is wanting all for yourself, right? But what is wrong in that? Isn't it your life? And don't you have to live with yourself your entire life? Then why not be selfish and create yourself a bed of roses. But that isn't how it really works, is it? You can be selfish all the time and you will have to pay back for it sometime, positively. So why not be selfless, instead? It is considered better, of course. If moving along the path hurting yourself the whole time is a good thing then yes, being selfless is just perfect.

You know what I think, both are equally good and it's never in our hands to decide. Because you know what, we'll never know. Selfless will have his own issues and credits while the selfish will have his own. We just won't know. It's more like a battle of the conscience. If you can tune your conscience to take right decisions at the right time then you don't need God's help.

Personally, I think there are moments of being selfish and selfless both. No one around is inclined to either one of them completely.. because decisions cannot be taken if you have already judged yourself before weighing your options.

When was the last time you really smiled?

I heard somewhere that when you're upset, think of all the things that make you smile and see the feeling you get. So here it is..

LIST OF THE FIRST 50 THINGS THAT COME TO MY MIND WHICH MAKE ME SMILE.

• My name under an article/poem written by me.
• Late night talks with anyone I love.
• Singing sad songs with the person who has upset me.
• When people write me senti bullshit. :')
• My birthday. No matter how old I keep getting it will continue exciting me :D
• New clothes, shoes, jewellery, books. Even if I don't get to wear/use them very often. :P
• When someone appreciates my writing. xD
• Rain
• Ice-cream when I'm upset.
• These two people I know, who can make me smile even when I have fallen really deep and refuse to get up.
• Hugs from certain people ONLY.
• My dreams.
• Day dreaming.
• Remembering the moments when I shared embarrassing secrets with people.
• Knowing someone believes in you.
• Romantic movies.
• Sleepovers
• Staring at my piece of writing, one that I have just written.
• Staring at myself in the mirror when my hair looks good.
• Watching people who screwed up my life, screw their own up. (That is kind of bitchy, I know :P)
• Looking at someone and remembering the old times.
• Blabbering on to my mother when she isn't even listening to a word of what I'm saying! (This happens soooo often!)
• Experimenting anything new.
• Stash of chocolates.
• Good marks on a Maths paper.
• When I remember everything I studied yesterday!
• Old letters and diaries.
• Quotes.
• Making funny noises on the phone.
• Watching Titanic and not being able to stop crying even after the movie is over.
• Watching someone I love become happy.
• All the Cad-B's my dad has gotten me till date.
• My mom's funny taunts!
• When someone tells me they love me. :'D
• When I write depressed stuff and read it again after months.
• Looking back at things that you would have regretted not doing only because it was a risk.
• The fact that my life is a movie and everything is going to be fine tomorrow.
• When someone I dislike calls me a bitch. :P
• Wrapped up birthday gifts!
• My brother.
• Hannah Montana songs. :P
• ''Groovy baby it's almost the weekend.'' (Inside joke)\
• Re-reading all of my stories.
• When people regard me as 'Pankhuri Shukla' and not as a connection with someone else.
• When me and my friend fight over who is awesome-er. :P
• When someone comes and starts talking about how it used to be..
• Waking up from sleep.
• Thinking of all my encounters with 'embarassment'.
• Looking at food like I'm gonna eat it all but end up leaving half of it. :P
• Code names of crushes and my diary entries about them.

Another closed chapter

''Someday you're going to talk about all those closed chapters, even after you've completed the book.''

It is true what they say, some people go while some stay. And those that remain by your side forever are sort of meant to be there. I must have read it a billion times but now I know how it is. I've lost a lot of friends in life. No, only two actually. As in only they were really really good friends. The second one I realised quite later was never really my friend but we still stayed put. Until recently, when things fell apart. This time, it was nothing I could let go that easily. The last time I lost a friend it was my fault. I admit it now, even if I did not do so that time. We had scope but I had too much ego. She was all ready to accept me back even after all the crap that I had initiated but having someone run behind me just made me blind to the obvious. I don't regret things, basically, but yes I do wish there were some things I could change. Some things now and in the past both. There's so much complexity all around. 

So, the one I lost recently, well she was never someone who regarded me as a friend and soon after I realised that, I didn't either. There was no reason for me to continue, right? But we still remained friends due to very clear reasons. We were friends only because of one person, whom I would like to keep anonymous here. So this anonymous person here was the reason we both tolerated each other, no matter how much it frustrated us, or at least me. I would wait for it to end everyday but it wouldn't happen. Then came a day when it DID end. There was no more frustration but yes, it just didn't end the way I expected it to. It ended terribly. She screwed it up! I'll be frank! She knows it too. I don't know why she would do such a heartless thing when she knew EVERY bit of the inside detail. It hurts to think how cruel people can be sometimes, and how it is never coming back to how it was. Nevertheless, it happened, I don't know about her, but I lost a friend definitely. Even though I disliked her for reasons I did like hanging out with her and now it has all been washed away.

Bad times end, giving birth to good ones. But the start of those good times won't always be as smooth as we wish them to be.