Normal was never the New Black

                                                      

''Excuse me? Can I fit in? is what she mentally asks as she pushes her way in between the two of them and sits there gaping. Trying to find a perfect word to utter. It's still awkward there. Even today, after a passage of so many months she still feels the unfamiliar breeze when she sits between them. It's as if she could never be one of them. Always in their own world, they probably never considered her a part of it. And she. She always tried so hard to fit in amongst these people. Friends. She wouldn't even bother being discreet anymore.
What a shame.
She'd always tried so hard, thinking she could make a change in the cycle. But somehow, they never reciprocated. Not the way she expected them to.

There used to be days when she would go home and cry to sleep. Or just walk away before she would dissolve into tears. But today, it was better and she could cry tears of pride.''

Fitting in. I hate the whole concept to the face of it. I am sure we weren't born to fit in!! We were born to be ourselves. To let our wings out and fly in the open, discovering beyond daily horizons, grasping before it slips and letting go for what's awaiting.
But, hey that sounds so much cooler than it is in reality. In reel life, it's a dream. A dream that reaches us wide awake and doesn't gawk at us. In reel life it has a meaning of it's own, a meaning that reaches all hearts and fixes itself in every brain, endowing them with a whole lot of positive energy. But when we are smacked open to the caressing morning warmth, stepping into our daily routine brings about the some thoughts and explosives we cannot change. When we're here, we're here to be like them. Moreover, to be a part of them.
None of us have been a fan of fitting in. Yet, for some it seems to flow in their blood and for some it's an ache.
It's always about trying to fit in. Fitting in your jeans. Fitting in the list of the top 10 scholars. Fitting in the last piece of puzzle. Fitting your clothes in one suitcase. Fitting in last year's dress. Fitting in as a cool kid. Fitting in with the boozers. Fitting in while talking. Fitting in with clothes. Fitting in the right shoe size. Fitting the right cap on the bottle. Finding the right haircut to fit in. Fitting, fitting, fitting!
What’s funnier is how through the whole process of fitting in we hurt others and sometimes ourselves.
       We want to be 'normal'. Whatever that is. The oxford dictionary says, ''conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected.''
We'll try to be how everyone in our family has been. We'll try to be how are friends are. We'll try to be how the world is and what it expects of us. We'll go with the flow. And that's pathetic. PATHETIC.
And I think it sucks. Sucks for those who are trying so hard and nobody ever sees it.

But I think it's an indication. It's the God's horses screaming to us. We will all try to fit in, because you know what, it doesn't work that way. One can't be born to swim against the water. It's something we learn. The aeroplane is built to take off against the wind.

Similarly, if you're pushing too hard, it's probably time you realise that this isn't what you're meant for. You're meant to be outstanding. And it's time to let go now. 
Fitting in is not the ultimatum. Because if it was, then Cindrella's shoe wouldn't fall off. 

Chasing

                                    

She was sniffing the coolness in the air, with the cigarette in her hand. Was it even possible to sniff the coolness in the air. She was smoking, for god's sake! Forget it. She told herself. This habit is not washing off too quickly. She's scratched the most delicate part of her senses and there's no way she can bring back the polish again. No way. At all. Her legs idly moving in constant rhythm to each other.

    One more puff, and out again.

Yes, it has become a daily thing. Could she not retreat. She was repulsed   by herself. By this version of herself that she'd become. The one that didn't even exist. But, it did. It did exist. She looked down at her own hands. They looked pretty once upon a time.. But why didn't they now? To an ordinary person they still would, maybe. But to her, they had been scarred. Scarred with unfathomable days and months that had brought her here. She was sore from inside. And no book was to help her escape this. No night's high could make her omit the feelings for a lifetime.

And yet she had such conversations daily. Such moments of self-realisation where she sought to find a way to pull her put of this numb guilt. And when she was almost there, she would be pushed back to square one just like all the other times because that coward within her would shriek, ''You fell down while climbing the mountain once, how will you climb back up again with the wounds still fresh?''.

She was moving around, floating to lands wherever, sometimes in her dreams. And it was beauty. Absolute perfection. Here, she saw everything with different eyes. Eyes that were not rotting from her heart. Heart? It's a body organ. Its work is to pump blood. Yeah, she's a science kid. Still, she would creep into the church sometimes and confess. Because it would lighten her heart.

She coughed. Lighten the heart? If only there was a theory proving that no such equation existed.

Today she was going to try harder. She was going to fight with herself. Why today? She doesn't know. She never will. Ripping through the covers that instilled darkness in her bubble, she dropped the cigarette stub. And looked behind at the door. The door she was going to swing open and fall, if that's what it would cost to reach out and stand under the sun. Too much had been charred away. Too much.

We all have habits we would rather not. It's about taking that 'rather not' and respecting it. If that's how you feel, then don't let the otherwise overwhelm you.

My Visit to NDA xD

I'm extremely proud to say, that today, on 25th November 2012 I visited the National Defence Academy of Pune, located near Khadakwasla and witnessed the final rehearsal of the Passing out Parade. And it was definitely an honour. It was exciting and still is, but that's probably because it is the most prestigious thing I have ever witnessed in the 15 years of my living! :D
The NDA is a joint-forces academy. Here the cadets of the Air-force, the Navy and the Army, all three are trained before they take up their next step.
I have to say, it was by far the most mind-blowinng thing I have seen!! The parades that we see on TV on 26th January and 15th August are cool but seeing the march past live is cooler! The men parading, looked like men. Like real, sturdy men! Gives me a proud feeling, I guess. They were so disciplined. I think, people like us who cannot survive a month without going and smelling the air-conditioned air of the mall will have some pretty tough time surviving a life where you have to be marching even while you're just walking around. o.O
'Walking' reminds me of their parade. What synchronisation! :O They looked like statues. Like living machinery moving their feet to the beat of the other's feet! And their hands, swinging to the rythm looked like wheels of a train emitting LED white light (white gloves). Commanding them was, I think, an alumnus. And OH MY GOD, he was screaming till his throat went sore and still: the perfection! I think we don't work half as hard as they do. Keeping aside the fact, that everyone does their own share of hardwork within their own caliber and comparisons don't really occupy a space.
The place was beautiful. Fresh air and lush, green trees! There was a huge library and green-house. It's just their own little world, which in reality touches the boundaries. Literally.
It might sound ordinary, but it wasn't. Rather exciting and different. I can't even make it sound how it was worth the sacrifice of sleep.
I wish I had taken my camera though. Could have captured something?
I am just fascinated.

Believe what you know, not what you're told.

“As long as you have life and breath, believe. Believe for those who cannot. Believe even if you have stopped believing. Believe for the sake of the dead, for love, to keep your heart beating, believe. Never give up, never despair, let no mystery confound you into the conclusion that mystery cannot be yours.” ― Mark Helprin, A Soldier of the Great War.

BELIEF. A magical thing one possesses.
Millions of us walking on the street, with a billion different thoughts jittering up in our heads, a thousand different hearts pounding, yet we all believe. Consciously or sub-consciously, we all are habitual of keeping faith in something. How else would superstitions exist? Happy endings, light at the end of the tunnel, hard work paying off, natural healing, time healing up all wounds, or God himself. The list has a countless number of things! Yet there's one thing we all, in particular, have been taught to never eradicate from our mind, heart and soul. The one thing that has given rise to the Satan, parallely. GOD. So, a very common question: Does he exist? If yes, then why do we always only refer to him as 'he' or the 'almighty'? These are questions that buzz around one's head so very often that eventually we learn to ignore it, talking ourselves into believing that there exist no answers. We blind ourselves to the one very important question which can help us walk on the path of becoming a better person from the current path we're on, where all we do is sniff like a dog and move towards it, simply adhering to what we have been obliged to do. So I wanted answers, not to pen them down or anything but to clear that part of my head which was occupied by this dubiousness. I wouldn't say I went to an isolated room, dressed up like a comical scientist and sat there for days mulling over my thoughts, trying to dig up answers for my peace of mind. It was there, of course, but at the back of my mind, trailing around, WAITING.
Well, I don't know how it happened. Ask anybody who EVER discovered anything, he'll never be able to inform you about exactly how and when it struck him. Similarly, IT JUST HAPPENED. Everyone could have different explanations, but as long as they help them suffice all those explanations are right! Because of the sudden strike of lightening that hit my head I think a lot of my doubts and confusion about believing in God and not believing have pretty much been settled up there. So here's the thing.
I really don't think God exists. Don't get judgmental here, I'm clearly not an atheist. I just think God is something we cling to. 
In the words of John Buchan, "An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support." God is like an invisible support to man. All those idols of Krishna and Ram, well they are still scientifically trying to prove their existence, right? They could have been real, God could have been a person but to me he is not. Although, (I know this will sound really contradicting) when I think of God I always picture Lord Krishna yet I think God is more of a feeling. You know, like something to push you back up when you trip and fall. Something to give us answers for when we're out of them. Humans are flawed, not perfect. We won't always have the answers now, will we? Hence, in situations like these when we don't know what to expect we turn to him.

Because being clueless feels a tiny bit better when you know that someone up there knows what you don't.

Fear is Overwhelming

''I don't like this feeling.

It feels like I'm sinking into the earth.

I'm pushing my feet so hard against the ground, exhausting myself to bits but in vain because the more I try, the more I grow distant from the sky and merge into the darkness.

All these papers and books are just lying there, sucking my soul, penetrating through my eyes into the tiny corners of my brain, making every part go insane with frustration. 

Those numbers, they won't dance around, but just sit there, making whatsoever no sense to me. Probably avenging me for some deed. KARMA.

 And tears, of course. How can they not be present at such an occasion.''

Nothing child-like

I am writing after such a long time. Blame tenth grade and its hectic schedule for that.

So, an incident narrated by my friend to me inspired this post. And when I thought about it, it actually brought a lot of things to my mind. Everyone knows what puppy love is, or infatuation. One and the same. So well, it's kind of an inappropriate thing for people to start dating from a very young age, that's what they say, right? Since it sometimes affects your studies and gives you a lot of emotional issues to cope up with. When I was mentally comparing a marriage and dating at a young age, I came up with a very important point. Okay, they say that dating at a young age is a very naive and child-like thing to do, in fact we get into such complications because we are not enough mature to realise what is good for us and what is not. But think of it this way, in India, a country said to have unity in diversity faces so many religion-based conflicts. Directly or indirectly it affects our lives, of course. Marriages are done following caste system. People keep a track of matrimonials regularly hoping to find someone with a suitable religious background. ''I am hindu, and if you are muslim, then there is noway we can have a future together, even if I would genuinely like to.'', that's the kind of thing I'm talking about. But that is so unfair. What if you are more compatible with someone who is not of your religion. Not necessarily 'love' but simply who you are more comfortable with. Now getting back to dating, when you are friends, you are friends because you adore the person and have fun with them. You date them because they are simply nice to hang out with. You don't disown anyone because he is a muslim or any other religion. You don't think of your parents' approval while dating someone, right? Maybe that's because it's not that serious. But nevertheless, I fail to see the point behind calling a puppy love as a symbol of child-like behavior and immaturity. I mean, if you distinguish people on the basis of their caste and religion it is you who is behaving child-like. I'm not taking sides, but yes, commenting on someone's religion is presumptuous behavior.

However, it's our Indian thinking and someday we will get over it, but till then passing snarky comments like 'why a muslim?' is not going to do any good. 

A DOSE of books? No.

When you enter a library or a bookstore, there's always a huge section of ''Self-help Books''. With the number of books piled up it's plain evident how many people are into reading self-help books. Once a person gets over the fiction phase they do turn to explore the self-help area, too. When I was young, not very young but let's just say about 2-3 years ago, I thought self help books were medication. I thought that one could just pick up a book about being happy, read it, memorise the steps and then be happy for the rest of his life. Okay, now I feel silly thinking about it. But that's alright, I guess. They just sound like that. I mean, you know how they show in movies that when you go to a psychologist who is expensive he gives you a book as the first step! So that just planted various ideas in my mind and I joined the dots. But then think about it. Reading a book can't solve your problems just like praying to God a day before your result won't solve your problems either! So, continuing the example of my pea-brain-on-work, driven by the craze of watching my dad read such books, once in a bookstore, I picked up 'Eat Pray Love' by Elizabeth Gilbert. It's not exactly a self help book but it follows the same footsteps, somewhat. So I read the back cover, and Oh. My. God. I was awe-inspired. I mean, it seemed wonderful. A woman discovering herself and all. So fascinating! I bought the book, obviously. I was ecstatic. So I opened the book, and the most hilarious thing happened, I closed it and it went back on my bookshelf in the next 5 days. The reason being, I GOT BORED. And never again did I touch that book. Never. I felt doomed in the field of literature. I felt like I was incapable of understanding the deep essence of life and the way out of the maze which was printed in the book. I felt like if I ever landed in a real problem ahead in life I would never be able to sort it out and eventually lose all hope. Why, because I could not decipher a self-help book.
A week ago, though I went back to that book. I wouldn't say why because it's not relevant here. I just opened it and read the first chapter with a light thought of wanting to READ the book, not to sort out any problem but to simply read whatever was present. And  I did, and this time, it's not boring. In fact, I am finally getting my concept cleared about what self-help books really are. They are not a bunch of solutions to math problems that help you unravel the spiral of your confusion and deranged life. They are just books that explain. They simply make you understand. The book that I wrote today, how the hell can it really solve your problem? I am not from 'Phil of the Future', am I? So when you read these books you basically just read the basic. It's like learning 2+2=4 all over again, except that this time you will learn it as (1+1)+(1+1)=4. That simple. When I read 'Eat Pray Love', it's not like all my worries got sorted and suddenly I was aware of the map of my life lying right across the table ready to be unmasked. While reading the book, I learnt the basics of everything. Because all of us, if we can breathe the same air, drink the same water, function with the help of same body parts, then we can also learn the same lessons, right? Doesn't mean that what I read today in that book has to help me today. It might help me later or maybe never. But it will always add a drop in the ocean.

What we all seek!

What's happiness?
Happiness lies in the eyes of the beholder. Happiness isn't something that we face all the time. It is not a hard-rock-never-changing emotion. It is something that is present in all the little things.
What is happiness for me?
It's when I get those 500 bucks in the starting of every month. It's when my brother and I laugh our ass out. It's when my dad gets me clothes of his choice. It's when my mom talks to me about her day. It's when someone tells me they love me and I know they mean it. It's when I realise the truth behind someone's lie. It's when I get wet in the first monsoon rain. It's when someone who drifted apart smiles at me. It's when I eat chocolate after a looooong time. It's when my dad talks of me with pride. It's when I lie down next to my parents. It's when I get something I have been longing too. It's when I finish a heart-melting book. It's when someone hugs me tight just when I need it. It's when someone assures me that they won't leave me no matter how alone I think I am. It's when my bestfriend tells me she loves how I am. It's when someone comes and says they missed me. It's when someone says sorrry to make me feel better. It's when I get new clothes. It's when I watch a romantic movie. It's when I finish a jaw-dropping Tom Cruise movie. It's when I day-dream and escape to a whole new fantasy. It's when someone compliments me that I am tall. :P It's when I scream with joy. It's when I watch someone make an effort for me. It's when I have coffee in pouring rain.  It's when my brother promises to keep my secret. It's when my dad makes me laugh. It's when I watch two dogs play. It's when I watch two bestfriends unite because of me. It's when someone just looks at my face and asks me what happened. It's when someone yells at me for my mistake. It's when I look at a people and memories come back fluttering. It's when I re-read my old diaries. It's when I look at my mom and remember how she loves me without any demands or expectations. She loves me just for me. It's when I put on my favorite jacket. It's when I run and scream to someone. It's when I am uber excited for someone else's achievement. It's when I look at myself in the mirror and feel strong. It's when I do good for someone who has been terrible to me in the past. It's when I am laughing. It's when I feel the butterflies every single time and don't get bored. It's when I blush. It's when I get a Math sum! It's when I write something nostalgic. It's when I listen to 'Dance Again' by JLo and start to smile. It's when I figure something out after a lot of confusion..
And this list is so never going to end. Happines is just something that we find in small packages. It's every flower that counts not necessarily the whole bouquet.

''I think I'll like that.'' ''What if you don't?''

Sometimes when a change occurs around you, you won't really be the first one to discover it. Unless you really sit to scrutinise the tinniest of details, there won't be any noticing. Change. They say it's the only permanent thing in life. It's that one thing you can be sure of. It's the one thing that cannot be predicted.
But it is capable of causing the greatest of devastation and sometimes it creates magic. Whichever you get, it's your luck. Sometimes you desperately are in a need of a change. It's the only thing you want and you don't know how you're going to achieve it. It seems like eternity waiting for what you want to happen. And the one day, lightening strikes, there's thunder, gravity reverses, the sun rises from the west and YES, that's when you know things are changing. You look at yourself in the mirror and smile but you can't. You try again, and another failure. This continues until you realise the reason. It IS the change you wanted, but it just is NOT what you want anymore. You shuffle through old papers and juggle through your pea-brain, reconfirming that it's what you wanted. Affirmation. Yet, what is the problem? And then the it hits you, just like someone punched you in the face to help you look better. Clearer. You look around and realise that you really did always want it but you never thought it would be this way. A-Z it's exactly what you wanted but you don't like it one bit. Because, all that time while you thought you were living each day in hell-on-earth you had grown yourself to adjust to it. Human nature. You never realised how much fun you had in what you allegedly claimed to be 'hell'. Because now you realise that life is not a box of sweet smelling flowers. It is only an empty box and it's your job to fill it up. But you still can't smile. Because now it feels even worse to know that you got exactly what you wanted but you don't want it anymore. In fact, you never wanted it. You just thought that you did. Sometimes, the hardest part is accepting the change. And now you know that.

It won't matter tomorrow.. so what?

It's so predictable that all of us sit here and think of our own world. To be even more precise, about our lives. Our problems, our happiness and blah blah blah! Obviously, we are all the center of our own universe. Admit it or not, at some point, we all feel like the world revolves around us and if it doesn't we try to do the otherwise.

We're all always there for others, of course. But we somehow always manage to put ourselves first.

It's common human behavior to be always focusing on problems. Issues. We have that certain magnetism force that attracts us to trouble. If trouble was available on home delivery, its number would be on our speed dial! Seriously. We don't master at narcissism but we just tend to think about ourselves, FIRST.

Problems never end, naturally. If there isn't a problem then there's always drama, which is equivalent to a problem. And we are way too habitual of mulling over problems that it tends to come to us naturally.

But while thinking of all my problems today it sometimes makes me questions my own sanity. I might just sound like a 60-year-old but seriously, when I grow up, is all this even going to matter? It's like one of those questions that parents keep repeating, ''All this is going to make no difference later on in life, sweety.''. And we all know it's true. It's like having ice cold water being thrown at your face, knowing that's the warmest you will ever find.
Well, you get the cusp, right?

It's like sitting here today, we can't help but contemplate about our tiny little problems that seem like nuclear bombs today, alongside knowing that they are just going to seem like mole hills tomorrow. It can be pretty frustrating, you know. Sometimes I wish we didn't have these problems today. That way, we could pay attention to the real problems that hit us tomorrow. But that is so unrealistic..

I'm still a kid and I won't say I've experienced life to its depths but I can say something from what I have learnt, right?

Yeah, so well, I feel, that the reason we hear them say that these problems are silly are because they have been through worse! I mean, look today, if I see a 5 year old crying over his lost chocolate I'll laugh it off but once upon a time that was my biggest trauma too. So just because tomorrow is going to be worse, is it wise to give up on today? Today's problems are big and so will be tomorrow's. Comparison has no place to fit in.

Because you know what they say, IF THERE ARE NO UPS AND DOWNS, IT'S NOT REALLY LIFE.!

Brutal Love

Her palms were sweaty from pulling the rope too tight that cut right at his Adam's apple. He must be in pain. NO! She was not to spare this ruthless sun of a gun this time. This seemed so surreal, yet it was happening.
Her heels dug into the mud as she tried to make her petite body rise to standards, putting in all her strength and imagining all the pressure her cuticles must be being subjected to. The air was damp and that probably explained her wet back under her new strapless, red jumpsuit, one she planned on pushing at the back of the closet to never let the memory torment her.
She wished she had worn gloves. Nobody enjoys washing blood of their hands, do they? He was struggling for breath and trying to speak at the same time, bringing some heads up for mockery if there was anyone around.

''Please don't.'', he managed to utter, and she tautened the rope more fiercely, partially fuming.
Even in such a dim light he looked elegant while trying to fumble out those words that tasted like an odd form a familiar cold fire. She had experienced them enough and more times by now. Getting rid of them was her utmost desire that would send her to hell with satisfaction.
It seemed ludicrous to her how even now he was trying to get his way out, how even now he reeked beauty, how even now he could make her heart skip a beat in his moments of barfing out blood. Making her loose her balance a tiny bit, he breathed, ''I'll miss you.'', making her instinctively pull the rope harder one last time before he took his last breath.
There she was now, an official CBI suspect from hereon, and there he was, the victim, who even in his last moments wanted to bid farewell by spraying his charisma in the most alluring manner because he knew  how words always took over a sword when it came to her. Even if the root cause of the damage had now disappeared, the damage was irreversible. She closed her kajal smothered eyes and let out a sigh.

Life is full of Question marks

Why is it always a miracle, a star?

Some make sense, while some don't.
But they are still there.

Upon which we wish when things are far.

Why are always the dark clouds blamed?

For rain, which can never be tamed.

Why is it always our self that faults?

When we are yet to taste the varietal salts.

Why do we always wait for someone to utter?

For the right moment, to flush and flutter.

Why is there a dream so flawless, pure pretense?

When even the most bonny rainbows have an end.

Why there exists a bragger on street?

When he is aware of every erroneous greet.

Why do we curse misfortune so much?

When we have learnt a lesson always as such!

Why do we question the living entity?

But secretly hope a fairytale, that's no sanity.

Why do we blame all because of one?

When the moon is overshadowed by the sun.

Why do we love, then fall, then hate?

Then sit back and continue to contemplate.

It's always either Everybody or Nobody

We all have been fortunate enough to be gifted with ears. Yes, ears. Sounds silly, right? We all have ears, what's the big deal in that? Of course there's a big deal! What we know today is because of what we hear, what we are today is because of what someone told us, what we speak today is maybe because we heard someone utter the same. Then how are ears not responsible for anything? Failure or success. They stick their big fat nose in everything. People today are such sermonising idiots! They piss me off. Everyone has something irrelevant to say. And I do, too. Then how do we generally decide who to listen to? Everyone rambles. Just wait till you're under a pile of bullshit and watch how everyone has some piece of advice to offer. And I, personally, don't think that's in the best interest of the one in crisis. They just talk. They tell you what they would do if they were in the same situation. They tell you what they did when they had been through the same. All in all, they tell you what is the best way to tackle the situation for themselves and expect you to do the same. With all due respect sir, we are not the same people and I am sure your way is perfect but I don't think I can go about it like that. 

But then there's a conflict! You always need help. Always need a few words of wisdom to make better decisions. Then what's the real way? Is it about putting on your headphones and doing what you wish or is it solemnly listening to everyone who comes and barfs out whatever they think is right for you? I think it's about filtering. It's about listening and not always reacting. It's about making your decisions first and then cross-checking it with what your well-wishers have to say say. And it's also about, having the right amount of brains to come back to people's jibber-jabber when your way didn't bear fruit.

Because those who failed either listened to everybody or never listened to anybody.

Sunscreen is all I understood!

"Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on the young"

                                            -Mary Schmich

Wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

Selfless or the Selfish?

Suppose the last person on God's green earth was alive? Suppose that person wasn't you?
Would you still read the first sentence with a genuine positive feeling?
I don't think so.

There's always been a heavy battle between the selfless and the selfish inside my mind. I am myself a little towards the selfish side and I'm guessing most of us are. But from what I've seen there are loads of them out there who are selfless too. Some are smart enough but some are selfless to the extent that hurting someone isn't on their list at all.

But what truly is better, I always wondered. These two words are such similar stories yet so different. Both start from the same letter but when you reach the end of it you know how different they are.

Selfish is wanting all for yourself, right? But what is wrong in that? Isn't it your life? And don't you have to live with yourself your entire life? Then why not be selfish and create yourself a bed of roses. But that isn't how it really works, is it? You can be selfish all the time and you will have to pay back for it sometime, positively. So why not be selfless, instead? It is considered better, of course. If moving along the path hurting yourself the whole time is a good thing then yes, being selfless is just perfect.

You know what I think, both are equally good and it's never in our hands to decide. Because you know what, we'll never know. Selfless will have his own issues and credits while the selfish will have his own. We just won't know. It's more like a battle of the conscience. If you can tune your conscience to take right decisions at the right time then you don't need God's help.

Personally, I think there are moments of being selfish and selfless both. No one around is inclined to either one of them completely.. because decisions cannot be taken if you have already judged yourself before weighing your options.

When was the last time you really smiled?

I heard somewhere that when you're upset, think of all the things that make you smile and see the feeling you get. So here it is..

LIST OF THE FIRST 50 THINGS THAT COME TO MY MIND WHICH MAKE ME SMILE.

• My name under an article/poem written by me.
• Late night talks with anyone I love.
• Singing sad songs with the person who has upset me.
• When people write me senti bullshit. :')
• My birthday. No matter how old I keep getting it will continue exciting me :D
• New clothes, shoes, jewellery, books. Even if I don't get to wear/use them very often. :P
• When someone appreciates my writing. xD
• Rain
• Ice-cream when I'm upset.
• These two people I know, who can make me smile even when I have fallen really deep and refuse to get up.
• Hugs from certain people ONLY.
• My dreams.
• Day dreaming.
• Remembering the moments when I shared embarrassing secrets with people.
• Knowing someone believes in you.
• Romantic movies.
• Sleepovers
• Staring at my piece of writing, one that I have just written.
• Staring at myself in the mirror when my hair looks good.
• Watching people who screwed up my life, screw their own up. (That is kind of bitchy, I know :P)
• Looking at someone and remembering the old times.
• Blabbering on to my mother when she isn't even listening to a word of what I'm saying! (This happens soooo often!)
• Experimenting anything new.
• Stash of chocolates.
• Good marks on a Maths paper.
• When I remember everything I studied yesterday!
• Old letters and diaries.
• Quotes.
• Making funny noises on the phone.
• Watching Titanic and not being able to stop crying even after the movie is over.
• Watching someone I love become happy.
• All the Cad-B's my dad has gotten me till date.
• My mom's funny taunts!
• When someone tells me they love me. :'D
• When I write depressed stuff and read it again after months.
• Looking back at things that you would have regretted not doing only because it was a risk.
• The fact that my life is a movie and everything is going to be fine tomorrow.
• When someone I dislike calls me a bitch. :P
• Wrapped up birthday gifts!
• My brother.
• Hannah Montana songs. :P
• ''Groovy baby it's almost the weekend.'' (Inside joke)\
• Re-reading all of my stories.
• When people regard me as 'Pankhuri Shukla' and not as a connection with someone else.
• When me and my friend fight over who is awesome-er. :P
• When someone comes and starts talking about how it used to be..
• Waking up from sleep.
• Thinking of all my encounters with 'embarassment'.
• Looking at food like I'm gonna eat it all but end up leaving half of it. :P
• Code names of crushes and my diary entries about them.

Another closed chapter

''Someday you're going to talk about all those closed chapters, even after you've completed the book.''

It is true what they say, some people go while some stay. And those that remain by your side forever are sort of meant to be there. I must have read it a billion times but now I know how it is. I've lost a lot of friends in life. No, only two actually. As in only they were really really good friends. The second one I realised quite later was never really my friend but we still stayed put. Until recently, when things fell apart. This time, it was nothing I could let go that easily. The last time I lost a friend it was my fault. I admit it now, even if I did not do so that time. We had scope but I had too much ego. She was all ready to accept me back even after all the crap that I had initiated but having someone run behind me just made me blind to the obvious. I don't regret things, basically, but yes I do wish there were some things I could change. Some things now and in the past both. There's so much complexity all around. 

So, the one I lost recently, well she was never someone who regarded me as a friend and soon after I realised that, I didn't either. There was no reason for me to continue, right? But we still remained friends due to very clear reasons. We were friends only because of one person, whom I would like to keep anonymous here. So this anonymous person here was the reason we both tolerated each other, no matter how much it frustrated us, or at least me. I would wait for it to end everyday but it wouldn't happen. Then came a day when it DID end. There was no more frustration but yes, it just didn't end the way I expected it to. It ended terribly. She screwed it up! I'll be frank! She knows it too. I don't know why she would do such a heartless thing when she knew EVERY bit of the inside detail. It hurts to think how cruel people can be sometimes, and how it is never coming back to how it was. Nevertheless, it happened, I don't know about her, but I lost a friend definitely. Even though I disliked her for reasons I did like hanging out with her and now it has all been washed away.

Bad times end, giving birth to good ones. But the start of those good times won't always be as smooth as we wish them to be.

Marilyn Monroe

“This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is that you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.”

Sweet is never sweet without the sour.

Dreams are dreams, but nightmares have their own place. Words are sweet, but they cut through like a knife sometimes. People are trusted so that they can teach you not to go over the bridge. There is life in lifeless and a lie in believe, but that doesn't mean that every time you are asked to believe you shut yourself in. Sometimes you have to give in. You do give in to time, to your lunacy, to your hysterical mental self, sometimes.

Sure, it won't be the same again but it might just be better. So why not risk it for that? If it's worth it then why not give it a chance. At the end of the tunnel there will either be that dazzling white light or another sad smile. Just because something is short-term does not mean you have to give up and sit back. The reason things fall apart, is so that they can be fixed back and reconstructed in a whole new way.

Someone said to me, ''If our life was a car, then it would never travel straight. Even on the smoothest of paths it would keep going round and round and round.''

SO WHAT?

For the time being, let old bonds be left to survive and new ones to be created, let the sun shine, let the butterflies increase, let's keep hoping, let there be heartbreaks so that we can sit and reminisce old times, let's learn the lessons and let the messages be passed..because it's always been about the little things. There is nothing bigger than that.

It's so dark outside, we'll hide it all. There's only this much we can do, but we won't let it fall.

''Night is the other half of life, and the better half.''
                    -GOETHE, Wilhelm Meister's Apprenticeship

Do you think so?


What is it about the night that brings out all that is hidden in people? How come I always do most of my writing work at night? Like right now. It's creepy at times. Night is funny, you know? It's a time when you drown yourself into tears, ice-creams, hot chocolate and music. It can make you shiver and sweat at the same time. It's as if, as soon as the sun sets down, it takes away all the distraction from one's mind. Even with a perfect sight, I would say, night is a time when people go blind, in a way. They stop seeing what's around them, eventually falling in the hands of their own serenity. It's a time they feel free of every thought in their mind, or feel free to every thought in their mind.

I, personally, know a lot of people who have a change of attitude at night.
Some go clueless about what they speak at night. They remember absolutely nothing of whatever they mentioned at night. And that is when they are not even high!
Some abduct themselves from the crowd and face their deepest fears and get nostalgic.
Some sleep at night ONLY because they don't want to meet what they are running away from.
Some feel inspired and go lunatic, make the wrong decisions and regret them later.

But night is simply weird. It has innumerable feelings to it. Feeling of the dead, and feeling of the alive. Feeling of giving in or giving up. Remembrance of lost love, remembering all those who walked away. It is the mother of thoughts.

But you can't give in to the night, till you know what is waiting there for you. In other words, no one can stay awake when the world sleeps unless they know who's going to conquer. Isn't that why a baby sleeps at night? Because he is yet to discover the mystery.

''You can't stand up to the night until you understand what's hiding in its shadows.''
                                 -CHARLES DE LINT, The Onion Girl

 

An evening of no words

''Even on the most inkiest of days, you will only see what I choose to show.''

One fine evening if you decide not to talk and just sit back and observe, you realise how funny the world is. You realise how simple it looks but how deeply there are secrets stored behind every word they utter. There is a little bit of lie behind every word, a little bit of curiosity behind every silence. How everyone's attention is so diverted in different directions that they themselves seem to lose track of what's going on. Some words pull you down to the abyss, the others showcase criticism. You notice how everyone has a certain domain of speech that they follow but it goes unnoticed by the ears. There is always that uncomfortable pull that takes you to the other side, the side that is less greener, the side that displays how those who are quiet and shy are pretty loud and those that appear so vocal have the most silent voices. How everyone at some point commits the same crime, but either in a sneakier way or just with a smart play of words.

But especially when you sit back and take out the time for others you conceive how difficult it can be to detach yourself from them.

A Rendezvous

It was a silent night.

Everything seemed so lethargic yet an uncertain amount of anticipation existed. Lights flickered gorgeously provoking the nocturnal creatures to croak joyfully. The servants had disappeared into their rooms, some getting ready for the occasion and the others setting up various things to perfect the upcoming evening. Cars were arriving, all eager faces.

 ***

Engrossed in herself, looking at her reflection, that seemed more or less like a petite sylph under the pale moonlight, seeping through the window; adrenalin rushed through her body, her heart beat at a super sonic speed, increasing her pulse rate and causing her cheeks to flush with a red colour, so beautiful for the evening.

Since twilight, every time she glanced at herself in the mirror she could not bear thinking that these would be her last moments of a kind... But it still excited her, didn't it?

Yet the feeling of being lost and confusion did not sink.

It was time, though.

She walked out of her room, all decked up in shimmery, elegant white, conscious of her every step, towards the most life changing decision she had ever made: towards her life, her sole reason for existence, her light of the day, that one charming thing she was making her way towards. Taking each step down on the staircase, house of memories flooded her mind.

There he was.

Looking up at her from beneath the staircase, with that spark in his eyes: that spark which held her back when required, the spark that assured her that this was one decision she would never regret.

This was going to be one enchanted evening. An evening of tying knots, making oaths, gifting sweet flowers and opening a bottle of champagne!

Love is Undefined

It's the love we know, the love we knew, the love that left, the love that stayed, the love that changed, the love that made you change, the love that shared, the love that cared, the love that screamed in and out, the loved that cried dusk to dawn, the love that smiled to make a day, the love that cried to make someone stay, the love that barked, the love that sparked, the love that covered guilt, the love that filled, the tiny holes, deep within, the love that provoked the devil, the love that freaks the angel, the love that's nice, the love that's wise, the love which exists, the love that broke fists.

It's the love of God, of mother, of dog. The love that doesn't know right and wrong.

Gone with the Wind -Margaret Mitchell

One book that drives me crazy. Something about it, that even I can't identify, pulls me towards it. I have a terrible memory and there is no way I remember the details of the book but with every page I turn, my heart softens. It's that one classic novel that touches my heart every single time I read it. The characters seem so real, so imperfect, so full of mistakes, with no happy endings. It isn't about being happy and joyous in your life. It's about living on and on, about being as imperfect as you are but not caring what the world says, about loving the wrong person the right way, about having sore hands and still manage to turn heads, about having an attitude that makes people look up to you, about losing everything but still being able to imagine a prosperous ray of sunshine, all over again.

''TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY''

My favorite line from that book which adorns half my books and write-ups. Spoken by the charming Scarlett O'hara, it is her philosophy. The entire book she will not lose hope. The mountain shall fall and she shall still treat it like a mole hill destruction. She might just lose ounces of money she owns but she knows what she's doing.

But, it's the end that breaks all hearts, brings out the tears, signifies it as epic. She gains the whole world, she marries the most charming ephebe of a time, but the moment that her love for him shoots through her veins, it has already been too late. Rhett Butler is gone.Why? Because even the most deathless love wears out.

Another Sublime Night

The night was hazy. The mist filtered the air. The moon shone itself like the shadow of a gorgeous sylph. One only a few are fortunate and destined enough to witness. A sensational guilt seeped through the air, into the light hearts. Trees swayed along, sloshed in their own way. Down the road a creature, true enough but unable to be perceived from a distance, treading over scathed leaves, crushing them down with every step of hers. Wind gushed past the nymph creating the most angelic melody one would hear.

Eudemonia flushed into each soul, casting a sense of nostalgia, hammering back a few vintage memories making me recall...

But before I could escape into the profoundness someone behind me held me back and breathed, ''Wait..''

For You and I are past our Dancing Days

"Quit yelling at me!"
"Seriously? Now I'm yelling at you?"
"Oh, cut the crap! Get out of here!"
"You wish. This is my house as well, by the way!", and those were his last words that Sam heard as she flee from here house, in search of some isolation.

Her mind was exhausted and tired of quarrelling with him. She was a strong woman. But on the inside she was still a marshmallow, she was well aware.

It had been a good 3 years to their marriage. But now things had started to fall apart and take their own separate ways. 3 years ago, she imagined a blissful life, with two kids, a house in the suburbs with white picket fence around it.
3 years from then, right now, she had none of them, except a falling apart marriage.

Everyday she cursed herself for being so naive and ending up in this madhouse. But she loved him; so much, that only she knew how it was shredding her into tiny pieces.

As her flick landed on her right eye, it blurred her vision..

She picked up her hand to push it aside but it did not move. Her entrails were tearing apart from the inside. Nearly 36 hours since she last fed herself a grain.

She new she loved him and she knew he did too.

Her mother would say when she was young, ''Don't worry, honey. It doesn't matter how terribly things are going. If you think you're right then you probably are. Don't give up when you know it's going to work fine.''
That is the only argument that prevented her from walking out every time. If only she could stop herself from listening to her mother.

She heard the rustling of leaves behind her. Her mouth twinged into a knowing smile. It was him. He was here, like always, to bring her back home.
"Come home. You need to eat, baby'', he whispered. And she found a tear prickle down her cheek, already.

She turned around.

His elfin beauty is what attracted her at the first place, and today was no exception to it.

Old Habits Die Hard

I am a total Bollywood freak. I will admit it. Since childhood, I have been watching Bollywood masala movies and I still do! I just love them. So much drama, dialogues, tears, lame comebacks! I could even watch the melodramatic ones like 'Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gham' over and over again. Sad, right?
But overtime, as I have matured and grown, my perspective towards them has changed. I still love those movies to death and would any day choose Bollywood over Hollywood, but with this growing pea-sized brain, it was just recently that I realised how unrealistic bollywood movies are. Earlier people would tell me the same, but I always snubbed them away. No one says anything to bollywood movies in front of me.
But now, I see beyond the facade. For example, the movie 'London Paris New York' which just released in March. Hello! PEOPLE DO NOT MEET FOR 3 DAYS AND FALL IN LOVE TO GET HAPPILY MARRIED. Not even impossibly possible! And people know it.
But then why do they still watch them? The reason i still watch them, even after the curtain has been drawn, is because watching them takes me to a whole new world. A world where everything is somehow happy in the end, where the good guy ALWAYS wins, evil loses, and where nothing is impossible. And I'm guessing it's the same for everyone.
Not because people hate reality. Certainly not!
But because sometimes, it's nice to escape into someone else's world that is not so practical. And much more easy.

Courtesy: Parth Shukla

Well, here's a story narrated and composed by my brother, who is 10 years old. And I had absolutely no role to play in it.

A SCHOOL TRIP TO A ZOO

One day, a school went to a picnic. While they were having their lunch, they were sitting a little away from the cage of the bear but then suddenly the door of the Bear's cage swung open and the bear came out! Almost all the people in the zoo saw the bear coming as the bear was in the middle of the zoo. But the teachers did not know that the children were eating near the cage. The bear came towards a boy named Suresh. He was very scared and just fled for his life. Then when he used his presence of mind, he remembered a story in which a child acted like he was dead in front of the bear so that he could save his life. So the boy suddenly stopped and then just acted like he slipped. The bear saw him and then the boy fell down and acted like he was dead but it did not work for him. He again started to run and then when he was very tired, he was luckily just in front of the bear's cage. The bear stopped and thought the prey was in front of him so he ran towards him and just at the right moment, when the boy saw the bear running towards him, he jumped to the other side. The bear did not see this and slipped into the cage and then when he fell down the boy used his presence of mind and closed the door! All the people of the zoo admired the boy's work of bravery, the boy was given a gift from the zoo community and a national award for his brave work to save the life of many people.

An Old Man in the City

I walk the old, narrow, ditch-laned streets, on my own, surprised to see that they are still the same compared to the hip highways, which my driver takes me through. I pass by a street-walker, engrossed in my own thoughts, I bang into him. I am surprised to see how cynical people are these days. He shouts back rudely at me. I stare back blankly maybe looking a little grim, not because I am really embarrassed, but it’s just that these things are as old to me as my black hair. I see women running around on the road, most of them rushing up for their offices. I recall how my wife used to always stay in the house, or rather the kitchen. I entered late night, she would be cooking dinner. I left early morning, she would be cooking breakfast. Sometimes I wondered whether she even lived in the kitchen or not. How naïve I was, thinking of such lame jokes on my wife, never appreciating her presence. But now that she is gone, long lost forever, that I realize how much I ill-treated her and if she would be alive, she would have slaughtered me by now, but that is just a humor provoking thought.

I have to cross the road, but there is so much traffic. Roads and cars must have exceeded the human population by inches. I ask, why cannot we reduce it? But who am I to ask. In my youth, I myself was a man of honor and pride, who desired fame, car and bungalow. All influential thoughts. But there is no shortage of soft hearts today. A man in his young days just walked over to help me and escorted me across the road. I am greatly thankful to him. I wonder why all cannot be like this. Although this is seldom appreciated, but it gives you a rest sometimes. But on the contrary if all become good, there will be no space for tolerance, ignorance, and above all---- appreciation for the good. And all of these are important values of one’s life.

My view is getting dim. Is it this old man’s eye-sight or has the sun set? It is all getting blur and things are fading out. I tripped over a hedge, or maybe a piece of wood. And soon before I know, I pass out, not just to sleep but to continue sleeping forever, in the arms of the almighty. On which maybe someday all will have faith in. 

New Age Tantra: FOODAHOLIC??

Are you a foodie?! Well, if not then you better start to be, before someone calls you ‘outdated’. Latest gossips between women are always about the newest restaurants and foreign trips, which makes it so very obvious that food is a ‘hot’ topic to discuss over.

Restaurants today, have the buffet system and people always over load their tummies while hogging on the delicious starters and tasty deserts without even caring about the main course. Main course is like so common! Now that is what always rings a bell in our minds. Hogging over starters is usually nothing until it arrives to the main course and we start thinking about calories. Then the planning starts of the next morning gym hour, but that accomplishment and satisfaction is hardly ever received because we never want to sacrifice our Sunday morning beauty sleep. Such is a common instinctive today. ‘It’s our age now, how does it even matter?’ is what the adults use to defend themselves but that also affects their kids who learn the same habits as their parents. Believe it or not, but this is the bitter truth.

You can never afford to be too rich and too thin at the same time, and accepting it is a challenge.

Being fat does not mean that you lead yourself to risky dieting schedules. Being a little plum and healthy is always required for kids. Statistics state that the children are indirectly forced to curse themselves for being fat by their surrounding behavior. While this is known to a thousand, ignorant world yet does not change.

Where we consume so much food, a million starve and crave for it. Why is it always so that we tend to realize things late? But it’s never too late. If we want we can still help the world and help ourselves too. Every change requires a beginning and that beginning requires a change in thought. Apart from not wasting food we should also try to have good eating habits. For example, having a healthy diet is essential than your glass of cad-B.

Media today surely knows its audience. How better can they make our decisions than ourselves and that makes everything else very obvious. Well, I don’t say that media has a negative role in our lives, but we sometimes tend to let it play such a hideous character without being aware of it. Beverages like ‘diet cola’ and substitutes such as ‘sugar free’ use media to make- believe us that it is the most non-hazardous product, even though at the back of our minds somewhere we know that it is not.

Physical activities play a vital role in a student’s life. It not only keeps them physically fit but also mentally. A student’s life can be very hectic but a little time outside the house always helps. Health and physical knowledge is way too important than regular gossips. It makes a child more aware of himself than he would get by reading a bunch of pages loaded with information. Physical activity refreshes a child’s brain and also helps him in classroom studies.

Lack of concentration is a major diversion in students today. They are usually physically present but mentally their mind is somewhere else. This can be due to many reasons, but all indirectly lead to the same ‘food’ issue. So we must all keep in mind that even little things matter a lot, especially in the case of health.

Everything in life is important, may it be the food we eat, and it certainly should not be ignored. As we always say ‘NOBODY’S PERFECT’, but who knows taking care of small things might make us someday!